My journey through miscarriage: Blame. Guilt. Denial.

Blame. Guilt. Denial. That is what I felt when I saw this picture of my empty womb. I immediately blamed myself. "I worked out too hard." I cried to my dr. " I messed up. Please let this be a mistake." I didn't want my baby initially . Do you know much it sucks to say that now? I was selfish and I didn't. I was perfectly happy and content with my 4 babies and I asked God "Why me?". It took me about 2 weeks to accept reality that we would have 5 kids. I was talking to so many women who couldn't get pregnant at that time and here I was pregnant again. I didn't understand. Guilt. Extreme guilt. How could I question his plans. Who was I to tell God I didn't want the life he gave me. Denial. I'm going to come back in 2 weeks and the baby will be there. The blood work will show my levels rise and everything will be ok. Selfish. I was so selfish. Maybe deep down I knew it was a pregnancy that wasn't going to progress? Maybe my mommy instincts kicked in and told me to step back. Either way. I learned my lesson. I learned it hard. Did you know they didn't even offer this picture to me? "I'm so sorry, this looks like a pregnancy that isn't going to progress." After she left the room I snapped this photo desperate for proof that my angel existed. I will always walk by faith. I will never question his plan. I will never understand his reasons, but I do know now that he has one of my perfect little babies in heaven with him.

Thank you for all your support / messages from my post the other day. I am sharing this journey for healing. It helps me to know I am helping others in my shoes. With my due date approaching I need to vent so we can all celebrate this life together on June 26th. I am 1 in 3 and I'm standing up to talk about it. ❤️ #miscarriageawareness

"You may not always understand why God allows certain things to happen, but you can be certain God is not making any mistakes." ✨

Happy Mothers Day

My beautiful babies....

You are the ones who made me a mom. Something I always wanted to be in life. I dreamed of caring for you, making you laugh , loving you and watching you grow up. I wanted you.

I know our days are filled with busy-ness of life, crying, whining , fighting with your siblings, not getting enough 1:1 time with each of your parents , me forgetting homework, rushed mornings before school, scrambling for shoes around the house when it's time to go , fixing broken toys, bandaids on bleeding scrapes the list goes on. Most days I sit there after you have all gone to sleep and think "What just happened." Mom life isn't perfect and mommin' ain't easy!

But guess what ...my original dream is still there. I love you, I care for you , I make you laugh and I love watching you grow. I need you. Every single day you make me, ME and without you I wouldn't be who I am today.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!!!

My journey through miscarriage

You see this picture and you think. Wow. Her life is perfect!!! She works out everyday and is always so positive and happy. You do not see the pain & worry that was going on inside my head. You don't know that just hours before this photo was taken I was crying in an ultrasound studio because my 8 week old baby wasn't there.

Are you lost yet? Yes. Last October we found out we were going to be adding #5 to our family and on this day, we were going to be taking an announcement photo. Not sure what exactly was going on inside my body I decided to not take those pictures.

For a while I couldn't look at these family photos without feeling sadness, but now this picture is perfect to me because even amongst the sadness there was a little bit of hope that maybe everything was going to be ok. That even if it wasn't going to be ok , these 5 people meant the world to me and helped me get lost in that moment. It has taken a while for me to be open to sharing this, mostly because I've been trying to deal with the pain.  As our due date approaches (June 26th) I want to share with you bits and pieces of my miscarriage journey in hopes to spread awareness. Please know, this isn't easy for me. I feel very vulnerable, but God has put it on my heart. ❤️

Did you know that 1 in 3 women have had a miscarriage? Too many women are expected to just get over it. When truly there is a hole in their heart that can't be repaired. I don't really know the right words that can be said but I do know with time, the pain does fade. Personally, I had to take control fast, I couldn't let myself stay down for long because I was spiraling.

I don't need sympathy and don't worry about me...I'm doing ok. I just want to help other mamas who have been in my shoes. I know there are many moms who feel alone just like I did during this time, please know you aren't alone and it's Ok to talk about it.

✨ If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. ✨

Stay tuned for more of my journey to healing......